So many days have gone by since i've felt this kind of uneasiness..
They say talking to friends eases ur heart..mind..soul..but mine seems split..splintered and confused
The whammy is so many of them suddenly' settling ' as they say..or in more street literature terms .. adopting 'connubial bliss'....
The double whammy is the multiple roles at work and a sudden change of roles..
The role definition is still awry ( as i seem to be doomed for throughout my worklife !) .. but it seems kind of a demotion....
The sudden responsibility at work and no clear vision of where am gonna land up or settle (workwise or otherwise..gawd knows..am confused me self)....has been a double whammy of realisation...
The moment of the stormy realisation and downpour of whammies could not come at more opportune moment than the first peaceful weekend in a month..barring the cloudbursts and continuous rain...which only add to the ominous " maahaul"...
I guess my mood reflects the ....the market sentiments..(yeah i read the paper...the bear winning at the stock market...Lehman bhai log going kaboom)..
If that be the case it's the doomsday mahaul..nuthing else...tomorrow is another day ( a Monday ..boo hoo)
Loft
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Saturday, March 10, 2007
despair
It is quite funny that as am about to leave mica..the situation is almost the same as IIMC.The uncertainity is not there as i have a safe job as they say , it is just like i had the call from mica 2 years back.31st march was a turning point at IIMC , i had my farewell that day and again 31st is the last day here.it could have been the first of april , but no it is the same date.
Everything else is almost the same , i have a set a good friends , family backgrounds different from those at IIMC, but still connecting at some level.The discomfort and hopelessness that i felt two years ago is still there, but the cause is different atleast.Should i be happy or sad about how things repeat themselves in my life.I guess i've written about it earlier too, but then this is what provokes me again and again ti lay open my heart...
I was not mocked at IIMC, maybe a little for my naivety, but it is for more petty things here.I've stayed with people longer but they have not tried to understand me...maybe i did not try much either...Being alone at this point of time is killing..work will keep me sane..hopefully.....The messenger..orkut windows blob up and down every few minutes and i have to shut those windows of hope and despair to concentrate on work....and forget, or atleast hope for it
Again isn't it a co incidence that i want to go to the library to find peace on sunday night when it is closed !!...repetition..deja vu..sadness..despair..yet i think iam lucky that i can love and care for a lot of people and will always do so.It may be a weakness..but it's better than many others.It's better to hurt self than others..but am no coward..am perceptive..am not shrewd and cunning and do not try to translate a maybe into a possibility if i think i'll have to be some one else or lie..or maybe it is plain laziness...god knows...
Everything else is almost the same , i have a set a good friends , family backgrounds different from those at IIMC, but still connecting at some level.The discomfort and hopelessness that i felt two years ago is still there, but the cause is different atleast.Should i be happy or sad about how things repeat themselves in my life.I guess i've written about it earlier too, but then this is what provokes me again and again ti lay open my heart...
I was not mocked at IIMC, maybe a little for my naivety, but it is for more petty things here.I've stayed with people longer but they have not tried to understand me...maybe i did not try much either...Being alone at this point of time is killing..work will keep me sane..hopefully.....The messenger..orkut windows blob up and down every few minutes and i have to shut those windows of hope and despair to concentrate on work....and forget, or atleast hope for it
Again isn't it a co incidence that i want to go to the library to find peace on sunday night when it is closed !!...repetition..deja vu..sadness..despair..yet i think iam lucky that i can love and care for a lot of people and will always do so.It may be a weakness..but it's better than many others.It's better to hurt self than others..but am no coward..am perceptive..am not shrewd and cunning and do not try to translate a maybe into a possibility if i think i'll have to be some one else or lie..or maybe it is plain laziness...god knows...
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Mah friends
It has been a long while since i came back home ..yah my loft...i still dunno wat it exactly means..have just borrowed it from some children's classic..i think anne of green gables or a maybe from a classic like one of jane austen's works..
That's digressing from what i thought i'd write..
Haan , some people have changed so much over the years..finding old friends online should have felt great ..but the thrill of a chance meeting face to face after years is some thing else..
I found my first best friend ever from school (class 1 to 5 )online today...she shares her birthday with one of my closest friends today..both are so different..yet similar...ne ways i should have felt thrilled ..but i was just unexpectedly and pleasantly surprised..there was no thrill !! and Ijust realised how our perceptions about people generally do not conform to our feelings.....
Today i think my friend in school..was a sweet 'family' type (i guess u understand the context..not very ambitious and docile), garrulous girl ...not so sharp in class...yet i felt she was my 'best friend' then..though we never said so in class..cos in those days we had no groups..we were all friends...
That brings me to my second set of close friends i remember..again Ihad one who was a huge teddy bear ..much misunderstood..she was not a great pal but i liked her....
The pal i wanted already had a good friend who apparently did not accept my socialising and lunching with other "groups"..so much for girls schools...so i stuck to my other group ..a very sweet and warm hearted chinese girl..who spoke better hindi than me :P..i was in that school for only a year..but we stayed in touch for few years..now i dunno where she is..
There was another girl..i found her name interesting" Riketa"..a very quiet padhakoo girl...i really respected her and liked her..we were not great pals.i did not understand her actually..quiet one's take years to open up (day scholar environment )....
The other pal i was fond of was a girl two years junior and a head taller..we were in touch for a few years until i moved out of home ...
this is the story till standard 6th.....am too brain drained now..will catch up later on it
That's digressing from what i thought i'd write..
Haan , some people have changed so much over the years..finding old friends online should have felt great ..but the thrill of a chance meeting face to face after years is some thing else..
I found my first best friend ever from school (class 1 to 5 )online today...she shares her birthday with one of my closest friends today..both are so different..yet similar...ne ways i should have felt thrilled ..but i was just unexpectedly and pleasantly surprised..there was no thrill !! and Ijust realised how our perceptions about people generally do not conform to our feelings.....
Today i think my friend in school..was a sweet 'family' type (i guess u understand the context..not very ambitious and docile), garrulous girl ...not so sharp in class...yet i felt she was my 'best friend' then..though we never said so in class..cos in those days we had no groups..we were all friends...
That brings me to my second set of close friends i remember..again Ihad one who was a huge teddy bear ..much misunderstood..she was not a great pal but i liked her....
The pal i wanted already had a good friend who apparently did not accept my socialising and lunching with other "groups"..so much for girls schools...so i stuck to my other group ..a very sweet and warm hearted chinese girl..who spoke better hindi than me :P..i was in that school for only a year..but we stayed in touch for few years..now i dunno where she is..
There was another girl..i found her name interesting" Riketa"..a very quiet padhakoo girl...i really respected her and liked her..we were not great pals.i did not understand her actually..quiet one's take years to open up (day scholar environment )....
The other pal i was fond of was a girl two years junior and a head taller..we were in touch for a few years until i moved out of home ...
this is the story till standard 6th.....am too brain drained now..will catch up later on it
Monday, December 11, 2006
A word on why we need to blog...
There was once a time when every word made sense.I had another blog..a personal space in fact..though i wrote in rigamarole words as usual..there was still a poetic elegance in it..i deleted it...twas still a young blog in terms of the months it survived but the content started at the age of 90 ..so it had to wither away..
what i was wondering was that what seems effortless today was treated with a lot more dedication earlier..there were fewer spelling and grammatical errors, sentences though long, like mu usual constructs, were simple to understand.Anyways, as the style of writing evolves..it may not remain in the same genre of " beautiful" and poetic ..but iam sure a year later i'll find solace that what am writing today had it's own meaning, relevance and style ....so much for human modesty and self obsession...
In the travails of life it is easy to forget the minuter details of what happened before, but going back to them through photographs, posts etc does make the day seem brighter or atleast different...
what i was wondering was that what seems effortless today was treated with a lot more dedication earlier..there were fewer spelling and grammatical errors, sentences though long, like mu usual constructs, were simple to understand.Anyways, as the style of writing evolves..it may not remain in the same genre of " beautiful" and poetic ..but iam sure a year later i'll find solace that what am writing today had it's own meaning, relevance and style ....so much for human modesty and self obsession...
In the travails of life it is easy to forget the minuter details of what happened before, but going back to them through photographs, posts etc does make the day seem brighter or atleast different...
Saturday, November 18, 2006
shakespeare was right
aren't we all pretending all the time. even with our parents, our friends..and when we don't..lose our temper..we feel guilty
we keep a part of the truth to ourselves all the time..no one knows the whole truth about you.It is not a common truth that you do not share..it can be different truths...you might not tell your mother that you are out late...or your friends that you do not like the way they laugh...it's wierd...you start believing in what you tell others..not always at times...
As they say there's always a version of truth
A question that arises at the end of it all..is that is all pretense bad !!..i don't think so...if it was we would not be pretending 24x7...
we keep a part of the truth to ourselves all the time..no one knows the whole truth about you.It is not a common truth that you do not share..it can be different truths...you might not tell your mother that you are out late...or your friends that you do not like the way they laugh...it's wierd...you start believing in what you tell others..not always at times...
As they say there's always a version of truth
A question that arises at the end of it all..is that is all pretense bad !!..i don't think so...if it was we would not be pretending 24x7...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
post hai post
Bahut waqt ke bad yeh waqt mila hai ki ham kuchh waqt likh sake
nah it is not my tendency to confuse and confound, it is just sheer laziness to structure thoughts, and then words and then actions.This is the reason for every mess that i have created in my life.
While i tend to rationalise everything to others to save my A** there comes a time when i start believing in it..well rite now Iam troubled by my teeth ...
The entire chhutii was in the service of the mehenga (expensive) denstist...stop smiling ..nah am not one of those vain girls who want beautiful teeth for nothing more than good marraige prospects....well there's another story behind it ( ok no story , twas just that i was too lazy to give up talking and eating with braces et all.) ..wen my parents realised a lil too late (i had grown out of pony tails to plaits to short hair in college).. that i have crooked teeth and they need correction ...
Ok coming back to the real kahani...i have like 4-5 cavities and last chhuti the denstist scared me that my wisdom tooth was laterally growing into my bone blah blah...so i went this time for the 'surgery" and all i got was some wierd silver filling in two teeth and normal one in two..AND..... loads of drilling into teeth so that now every sip of water will hurt for life....and on top of it after the "pulp capping" ie silver filling for 1600 bucks...he says eat these medicines..and we'll see if u need root canal...arre ek baar mein kaam khatam karta..ek toh chutti barbaad ki roz hazari laga laga kar..upar se now my damn teeth hurt cos he's drilled wells aka KUAN till the nerves ie the "roots" and so i WILL need the root canal or extraction next time....
He's ruined my teeth and my morale...he says all my teeth will decay soon that 'tooth decay' has once set in boohoooo..and he ...huh he will mint money till he is 90 (he's over 65 now)..........
i guess he should have a hand in glove referral agreement with a psychiatrists for all his popla( teethless) and traumatisedand paranoid( like me) patients.......bah dentist ki dum
arre haan the jad of everything is laziness...i barely brush my teeth for two mins and that too not properly as the dentist thinks.. :P...and never at nite....koi sala sudhar do hamko..
AWAIT the next tale of laziness late lateefi and confusion..should hover around the word 'weight'
nah it is not my tendency to confuse and confound, it is just sheer laziness to structure thoughts, and then words and then actions.This is the reason for every mess that i have created in my life.
While i tend to rationalise everything to others to save my A** there comes a time when i start believing in it..well rite now Iam troubled by my teeth ...
The entire chhutii was in the service of the mehenga (expensive) denstist...stop smiling ..nah am not one of those vain girls who want beautiful teeth for nothing more than good marraige prospects....well there's another story behind it ( ok no story , twas just that i was too lazy to give up talking and eating with braces et all.) ..wen my parents realised a lil too late (i had grown out of pony tails to plaits to short hair in college).. that i have crooked teeth and they need correction ...
Ok coming back to the real kahani...i have like 4-5 cavities and last chhuti the denstist scared me that my wisdom tooth was laterally growing into my bone blah blah...so i went this time for the 'surgery" and all i got was some wierd silver filling in two teeth and normal one in two..AND..... loads of drilling into teeth so that now every sip of water will hurt for life....and on top of it after the "pulp capping" ie silver filling for 1600 bucks...he says eat these medicines..and we'll see if u need root canal...arre ek baar mein kaam khatam karta..ek toh chutti barbaad ki roz hazari laga laga kar..upar se now my damn teeth hurt cos he's drilled wells aka KUAN till the nerves ie the "roots" and so i WILL need the root canal or extraction next time....
He's ruined my teeth and my morale...he says all my teeth will decay soon that 'tooth decay' has once set in boohoooo..and he ...huh he will mint money till he is 90 (he's over 65 now)..........
i guess he should have a hand in glove referral agreement with a psychiatrists for all his popla( teethless) and traumatisedand paranoid( like me) patients.......bah dentist ki dum
arre haan the jad of everything is laziness...i barely brush my teeth for two mins and that too not properly as the dentist thinks.. :P...and never at nite....koi sala sudhar do hamko..
AWAIT the next tale of laziness late lateefi and confusion..should hover around the word 'weight'
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Keep it simple stupid
having 3 blogs is as good as bringing up 3 kids
but this one is gonna be special...and simple
aapko personalise karenge ..thoda wait kariye bloggie
but this one is gonna be special...and simple
aapko personalise karenge ..thoda wait kariye bloggie
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