despair

It is quite funny that as am about to leave mica..the situation is almost the same as IIMC.The uncertainity is not there as i have a safe job as they say , it is just like i had the call from mica 2 years back.31st march was a turning point at IIMC , i had my farewell that day and again 31st is the last day here.it could have been the first of april , but no it is the same date.

Everything else is almost the same , i have a set a good friends , family backgrounds different from those at IIMC, but still connecting at some level.The discomfort and hopelessness that i felt two years ago is still there, but the cause is different atleast.Should i be happy or sad about how things repeat themselves in my life.I guess i've written about it earlier too, but then this is what provokes me again and again ti lay open my heart...

I was not mocked at IIMC, maybe a little for my naivety, but it is for more petty things here.I've stayed with people longer but they have not tried to understand me...maybe i did not try much either...Being alone at this point of time is killing..work will keep me sane..hopefully.....The messenger..orkut windows blob up and down every few minutes and i have to shut those windows of hope and despair to concentrate on work....and forget, or atleast hope for it

Again isn't it a co incidence that i want to go to the library to find peace on sunday night when it is closed !!...repetition..deja vu..sadness..despair..yet i think iam lucky that i can love and care for a lot of people and will always do so.It may be a weakness..but it's better than many others.It's better to hurt self than others..but am no coward..am perceptive..am not shrewd and cunning and do not try to translate a maybe into a possibility if i think i'll have to be some one else or lie..or maybe it is plain laziness...god knows...

Mah friends

It has been a long while since i came back home ..yah my loft...i still dunno wat it exactly means..have just borrowed it from some children's classic..i think anne of green gables or a maybe from a classic like one of jane austen's works..

That's digressing from what i thought i'd write..

Haan , some people have changed so much over the years..finding old friends online should have felt great ..but the thrill of a chance meeting face to face after years is some thing else..

I found my first best friend ever from school (class 1 to 5 )online today...she shares her birthday with one of my closest friends today..both are so different..yet similar...ne ways i should have felt thrilled ..but i was just unexpectedly and pleasantly surprised..there was no thrill !! and Ijust realised how our perceptions about people generally do not conform to our feelings.....
Today i think my friend in school..was a sweet 'family' type (i guess u understand the context..not very ambitious and docile), garrulous girl ...not so sharp in class...yet i felt she was my 'best friend' then..though we never said so in class..cos in those days we had no groups..we were all friends...

That brings me to my second set of close friends i remember..again Ihad one who was a huge teddy bear ..much misunderstood..she was not a great pal but i liked her....
The pal i wanted already had a good friend who apparently did not accept my socialising and lunching with other "groups"..so much for girls schools...so i stuck to my other group ..a very sweet and warm hearted chinese girl..who spoke better hindi than me :P..i was in that school for only a year..but we stayed in touch for few years..now i dunno where she is..
There was another girl..i found her name interesting" Riketa"..a very quiet padhakoo girl...i really respected her and liked her..we were not great pals.i did not understand her actually..quiet one's take years to open up (day scholar environment )....
The other pal i was fond of was a girl two years junior and a head taller..we were in touch for a few years until i moved out of home ...
this is the story till standard 6th.....am too brain drained now..will catch up later on it